I feel misled. I was told that pregnancy was magical. And I believed it – hook, line and sinker. I was ready to GLOW from within and feel an INSTANT BOND with my unborn fetus. Instead, I am miserable. Today I went so far as to try and barter my 7 week ‘blueberry’ with my friend’s 37 week ‘watermelon’. Unfortunately, no deal. :(
So instead I’m here to rant in the hopes of getting this anger and crabbiness out of my system for good. Because if there’s one thing I learned in coaching, it’s that what you resist persists. And right now I’ve got a whole mess of emotions going on. I’m about 50% grief, 30% anger/resentment and 20% joy/excitement. You do the math people, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t good stats. Now before you judge me, you should know that I am 100% confident that I’m going to LOVE being a Mom. And I’m also 100% okay with not liking pregnancy.
The System is Messed Up
In fact, I feel like I need to complain on behalf of all the silenced pregnant women in their first trimester who are waiting to tell but have to withstand all this horribleness alone. The system is messed up, I tell you. As moms-to-be, we’re told that we’re supposed to love pregnancy and be a martyr about the bad stuff. We’re also told that it’s best not to tell anyone we’re pregnant until after the first trimester, when the risk of miscarriage has passed.
That means that during the miserable first trimester when you’re nauseous, puking and exhausted that you have NO ONE that you’re allowed to talk about it with (except your husband, who WILL NOT UNDERSTAND. And even if he is really great and sympathetic, you’re probably be pissed as hell at him for doing this to your body while he stays exactly the same). And then, in the horrible event that you have miscarried, you’ve created this wall of secrecy around the pregnancy so no one knows to call and give you the love and support you so desperately need! Yup, definitely messed up…
The Top 10 Things I DISLIKE about Pregnancy
- I am pissed as hell that I can’t go on my DREAM trip to Bhutan.
- I am tired of injecting goo into my you-know-what each night before bed to ensure my Progesterone goes up.
- I resent the fact that I can no longer go and play with the kids at Friendship Home, on the off chance that they may pass a disease to the baby.
- I am panicked about the size of my exponentially growing chest size and afraid I won’t be able to support it at 9 months if it continues at this rate.
- I am sick of drinking water and miss my 4 favorite beverages, all of which are now banned: Diet Coke, Wine, Crystal Light and Caffeinated Lattes.
- I am grieving my old life, the one in which I had interesting things to do and wasn’t on house arrest.
- I am crabby that I had to quit my Advanced Photography and Photoshop Class per the Doctor’s orders.
- I genuinely miss being able to exercise. My energy has really gone down.
- I despise the “judged-if-you-do”, “judged-if-you-don’t” mentality around pregnancy. I’m perfectly capable of judging myself, thank you very much (and I happen to be very good at it!)
- I hate admitting that it’s never going to be the same — being forced to give in to the uncertainty and let go of what happens to my identity in the process.
That’s enough for today. I’m feeling better already. Thanks for holding the space for me as I cleared this stuff out. If you’ve never tried ‘clearing’ before, I highly recommend it. Note: it’s not about getting sympathy, etc., it’s merely about releasing the heavy emotion from your system so you can move on to acceptance and healing. Make sense?