In case it isn’t obvious, I’ve got some MAJOR control issues surfacing around this whole birth thing. This is frustrating for a variety of reasons, but most notably because I’ve done a ton of personal work on this in the past and largely eliminated it from several areas of my life.
I imagine that it is triggering me so intensely for a couple reasons:
- The birth signifies the beginning of a massive new chapter in our life and I always get a wee bit anxious during transition periods. And when anxiety shows up for me, control usually likes to join the party as well.
- I feel very vulnerable with the idea of birth and the fact that it’s not just MY BIRTH, but Nia’s as well. Vulnerability inevitably causes fear for me, which I then try to mask with control. All an illusion of course, but pretending to be in control feels so much better than embracing the vulnerability (just being honest…)
SOOO, if I truly believe that control is simply an illusion (which I do), then it dawned on me that this whole idea of a birth plan is encouraging this bad behavior.
Now, let me clarify. I KNOW how I’d like my birth to ideally play out. My care team knows my preferences and so does my husband. I realized that’s enough. I don’t need to write it all up in bullet points and tack it to my hospital room door so that I can check off each thing as it happens (or beat myself up when it doesn’t). Again, it just mentally reinforces this illusion that I have some semblance of control over this process.
So there you have it. I’m scrapping the formal birth plan. I’m clear on what my birthing ‘wish list’ is, have had the conversations I need to have and now simply just need to let go of it and embrace the experience for whatever it is. As with all intention setting, the first step is to be clear on what you want, put it out into the Universe, and then release all attachment asking for “This or something better.”
You see, I’ve been too attached to the way the birth looks, to the ‘doing’ part of it. My coach helped me realize that I need to spend my time focusing on what I want the experience of birth to be like, essentially the ‘being’ part of the birth. It is very possible that the events (or doing part) could play out in a variety of different ways and I could still have the ‘being experience’ that I want.
Isn’t that a cool A-HA? So instead of focusing on the circumstances that may be out of my control, I simply focus on how I want to be present for the birth (no matter how it plays out). Happily, that is something that’s within my power! Stay tuned to see what new revelations show up in these last few weeks. If there’s one thing I can say for sure about this process, it’s that the learning seems to be non-stop!