Resilience

Living at 100%

by Sarah Novak on January 27, 2012

Yowzers, what a week!  I just got back from a mind-blowing 6 day Leadership Retreat in beautiful (and rainy!) Sonoma, California.  The course was an advanced Leadership Program put on by my Coaching School, the Coaches Training Institute (CTI).  It was a live-in program that started at 7 in the morning and ended at 9 in the evening (shared accommodations and all).  The retreat was intense as hell but provided a great return on the energetic and monetary investment.  Seriously people, this was massive transformation in a ridiculously short length of time!

Given the magnitude of the experience and the fact that I’m still downloading and processing all that I learned, I thought I’d share my peak experience from the week.  It really captures what the program is about and allows me to share some of my key learnings.  Here goes…

It was the second morning of our retreat and we were debriefing an exercise/game we had done the previous evening.  I was feeling unsettled after the exercise and wanted to verbally process what I was learning about myself.  My realization went something like this: I can show up at 60% and still win the game.  The Problem: I didn’t feel good about my win.  It was unsatisfying to know that there was 40% more that I could have brought but didn’t due to fear, limiting beliefs, etc.  In my mind, I didn’t deserve the win because I knew I had WAY MORE in me.

I realized that this game was representative of my day-to-day life, namely, that  I’ve been lucky enough to achieve many things while only operating at 60% of my capacity.  And while that looks fine and dandy on the outside, it creates massive dissonance inside of me.  When I spoke about my realization in front of the group, I became obvious of the fact that I was quite comfortable at 60% and hadn’t fully bought into the idea of stretching to 100%.  It was abundantly clear to my Leaders as well (the illustrious Karen and Henry Kimsey-House, founders of CTI and early pioneers in the Coaching field).

They prodded and questioned to no avail.  My fear was running the show and nothing they said convinced me that I should abandon my comfortable 60% perch.  At one point they asked me if perhaps I was really scared that I didn’t have an additional 40% in me.  I knew that wasn’t the case though.  I can recall plenty of moments when I have popped into 100%.  It isn’t a question of getting there, it’s a question of STAYING with it for a sustained period of time.  Little did I know that just a few minutes later I’d be getting a full immersion into what it felt like to be at AND stay at 100%….

Here’s what happens next: I was asking Henry HOW I could learn to live and stay at 100%.  Karen then jumped in and said, “I have a way, would you like me to show you?”  I naively said yes and just as I’m trying to figure out what’s going to happen next, Karen runs at me full force and starts shoving me HARD.  At first I thought it was a joke and tried to sidestep her advances.  I mean really, I wasn’t about the full-on fight the CEO of the Coaches Training Institute on the second day of my retreat was I???  Upon further reflection (in the 10 seconds I had to contemplate my options) it became crystal clear to me that I indeed was going to fight or I was going to be laying on the ground with my ass kicked by a 50-something year old woman!

As soon as I made the decision to fight her 100% my adrenaline kicked in.  I ran at her and started shoving back.  Without agreeing to any rules verbally, I somehow knew that we wouldn’t punch each other but that pretty much anything else was on the table (on a side note, the only time I’ve ever fought at 100% before was when I was in a rape aggression defense course in college and we fought off an attack from a padded instructor).  At this point I got out of my head and into my body.  I became insanely strong, recognizing that the only way to get this exercise to end would be to pin her to the ground so she’d stop coming after me.

My recent viewings of wrestling movies with Nick must have come in handy because I somehow knew how to throw her to the ground and get a lock on her head and legs.  She wasn’t going down easy though and she fought and fought.  I vaguely remember kicking her in the back and tightening my grip on her head, willing her to give up.  I was fierce but God was it intense.  The fighting had been going on a good 5 minutes I think before I had her pinned long enough that Henry called time.

We unraveled from each others bodies and turned to face each other, noting for the first time that tears were running down both our cheeks.  I had no idea what would happen next, so I sat there waiting for instructions.  Suddenly Henry said, “Okay, now show me how you stay at 100% without fighting.”  My instincts told me to embrace her from my spot on the floor and suddenly we’re intertwined again, both sobbing as we cling to each other and roll around the floor becoming intermeshed.  It’s hard to explain but the intimacy fell somewhere between sex and a hug with a dear friend.  I was insanely uncomfortable, but I STAYED with it – evacuating my mind and occupying my body fully.  I banished the gremlin thoughts that whispered about my inadequacy and the fool I was making of myself.

It was intense.  And very moving.  Something shifted in me in that moment and I finally GOT what it felt like to stay at 100%.  Before I had only understood that in my head, now every cell of my body shared in the understanding.  I felt powerful beyond belief and incredibly connected to this woman I’d met only one day prior.

When the exercise was called to a close I got up and dusted myself off.  The end was very anti-climactic actually.  The tears stopped rolling and I took my seat, grounded in peace and love.  I managed to take my first glance around the room as was met by expressions of absolute shock and intense emotion.

The thing was, at no point did I feel unsafe.  Yes, it was an unheard of thing for a leader to do but I believe she knew I would let her go there with me, just like I knew what the unspoken rules were.  In fact, as I reflected on it more in the coming days, my overall response to the event was humility – I was sincerely humbled and honored that she’d be willing to risk physical injury in service of my learning.  Talk about walking your talk and modeling true Leadership!

If that story doesn’t convince you to check out this program, I don’t know what will.  Although I’m sure you could have a similarly impactful exercise without wrestling on the ground!  For those of you who were moved by this and are at a place where you want to explore who you are as a leader in this world and the impact you’re supposed to make, do check out this program.  It’s not just for coaches – half my group did other pursuits for their work.  If you’re looking for powerful change in 2012, this would be a great place to start.  Let me know if you have any questions about the program.  I’m only doing the first retreat as a stand-alone right now and will be taking the remaining 3 at a later date.  Words can’t explain how this program has changed my life…

Dear colleagues who were on the retreat with me, I would love to get some comments about what the experience was like for you, since I was so fully immersed in it.  What did you notice/take away from the exercise?  Anything else you’d like to say to those considering doing this Leadership program?

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Saying Goodbye to Marisa

by Sarah Novak on May 17, 2011

24 years my senior, I never expected for Marisa and I to become so close.  I originally met Marisa during my volunteer work at Carewell.  She was a frequent attendee and ended up participating in several of my group Life Coaching sessions.  Although a bit skeptical about coaching at first, she came to be one of my biggest advocates over time.

When my coaching at Carewell ended in April of 2010, I realized that I desperately missed seeing Marisa on a regular basis.  We remedied this by setting up a monthly tea date for us to remain connected.  At first I wasn’t sure how to define our interactions – roughly half our time was spent with me coaching her and the remaining half was full of me getting sage wisdom and advice from this brilliant woman.  We both just rolled with it and enjoyed what was unfolding between us…

Our ‘tea dates’ became cherished time that we both looked forward to each month.  Unfortunately, the closer we got to Christmas, the greater toll Marisa’s cancer seemed to take on her.  As she weakened, I had a growing urge to spend more and more time with her, wanting to deepen this relationship as much as possible in the remaining months that she had left.  Our ‘tea dates’ went from monthly to weekly and changed location based on her condition.  When she could no longer make the 2 block journey to the coffee shop, we simply relocated our ‘tea dates’ to her living room.  And as the winter turned to spring and she could no longer get out of bed, she humbly allowed me to visit her there.

It’s hard to say who took more away from this friendship, as we both seemed to receive exactly what we needed from the strange pairing.  Right before she died, we both had a chance to articulate the impact we’d had on each other’s life.  Here’s what she said about me:

  • I helped her determine what she wanted to leave as her legacy through the coaching work we did together. She came up with the idea of using her Interior Design Background (she had studied at Parsons School of Design) to decorate the hospice rooms for cancer patients at a low-income hospital in town.
  • I introduced her to the website www.mywonderfullife.com, which enabled her to plan her funeral in detail. Not only did this relieve her family of the pressure of putting this together last minute, but it also served as a tool through which she could reflect on her life and how she wanted to be remembered.
  • I gave her permission to openly talk about death and dying whenever she needed to. I found myself surprisingly comfortable talking about this topic and since she didn’t have many people who were open to talking about this for long periods of time, it became a frequent part of our conversations.  I know she appreciated having that safe space in which she could process all that was happening to her.

On my end, I gained strength and wisdom from her:

  • Profound relationship with God
  • Reverence for Motherhood
  • Unwavering belief in what I was capable of
  • Courage in the face of death

A week and a half before she died, I had the chance to visit her in the hospital.  Intuitively, I knew this was the last time I would see her alive and I planned to make the most of it and say everything I needed to in order to feel closure.  In coordinating the visit with her husband the day before, he warned me that she was not very coherent but would *probably* recognize me if I got up really close to her face and told her who I was.  I could then expect a short flicker of recognition and then she would go back to a sedated state.

I was 100% okay with this and fully expected that scenario to play out.  Little did I know that Marisa had a miracle in store for us that day.  When I arrived at her room at 1 PM on a Friday and pushed open the door, I was shocked to see her fully present.  And not only was she fully awake, but fully there in spirit as well.  This could have been a ‘tea date’ we had 6-9 months ago, never mind a week before her death!

Not one to miss out on an opportunity, I told her that I was there to talk her ear off and entertain her, but that if she started to feel tired, she should just say the word and I would be on my way.  And talk we did!  Although her words were a bit slurred and whispered by this point, I found that I adjusted after a few minutes and could get most of what she was saying.  I skipped all the pretense and went straight to the real stuff since I knew our time was precious.  We talked about the pain, if she was afraid to die, and what she was most worried about for after her passing.  There was also plenty of time for the happy stuff too – memories about her family, what she learned from Cancer, the impact of our friendship.  It was honest, beautiful and 100% infused with God’s presence.  I know that the memory of that visit will remain emblazoned in my mind for years to come – it was just that profound and sacred of an experience.

Those 90 minutes felt like a blissful eternity (yes, she was so alive and present that I eventually kicked MYSELF out after 90 minutes because I could see her fading but knew she didn’t want me to go).  As I sat next to the bed stroking her hair, I couldn’t help but smile as she doled out last minute mothering advice to me (Do breast feed!  Give your child a name with MEANING!  And so on and so forth.)  And when I walked out of that room, I felt 100% closed relationship-wise.  I knew that if she died tomorrow, I wouldn’t have a single regret.  I only had a year with her, but I loved her with my whole heart and allowed this odd relationship to change me.  Can’t ask for much more than that, huh?  May it be the beginning of many odd relationships to come!

The wake and funeral took place last Wednesday and Thursday and I was honored to celebrate her life with the family.  I had come to know them well after all my visits to the house and was able to connect with each of them that day.  Her funeral was exactly as she planned it, short and sweet!  At age 54, it broke my heart to see her leaving behind a husband and 4 kids age 10-25.  Thankfully, they are a close-knit unit and I know they will find ways to fill in the gaps of her absence (and collectively keep her memory alive).

In closing, I leave you with one of my favorite memories of Marisa, the one that I chose to share during the Circle of Memories at the Internment.  It happened in early March, shortly after I found out I was pregnant.  I had gone over to visit her in the afternoon (she was confined to her bed at this point).  We had a lively conversation for an hour before I started to crash.  She could tell I was fading, so she encouraged me to just lay down on the other side the bed and rest my eyes for a bit.  Fast forward to 3 hours later when I awake with a jolt and realize I’ve been sleeping FOREVER.  When I asked her why she didn’t wake me, she gave and knowing smile and said, “The baby needed sleep and I was enjoying watching you rest.”  It was in that moment that I knew our friendship had morphed from acquaintances to dear friends.

~Rest in peace Marisa and enjoy all that heaven has to offer!  Know that you’ll always occupy a place in my heart.  Baby Novak has no idea how fortunate she is that you agreed to be her Guardian Angel!  XOXO, Sarah

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Secret Millionaire: My New Addiction

by Sarah Novak on March 23, 2011

Honestly, I can’t say enough good things about ABC’s new show Secret Millionaire.  I first heard about the show through my coaching network, as several of the Millionaires are motivational speakers or coaches I’ve followed for a long time.  I knew I’d immediately take to this show, since my own experience with tithing has had such a profound effect on my life.

For those who are unfamiliar, Secret Millionaire is a reality TV show that features 10 different Millionaires who go undercover pretending to do a documentary on volunteering in some of the poorest areas of the country.  Their task is to find ‘unsung heroes’ in those communities who they’d like to give a portion of their fortune away to.

Here’s a short trailer to check out:

I know the premise may sound a little hokey, but I quite honestly balled my eyes out on the first episode watching Dani Johnson interact with the Love Kitchen Ladies (Ellen and Helen – sister, age 82).  It’s really powerful to see poverty up-close in the US and see the inspiring folks who are out there trying to do something about it.  You can’t help but be moved by these beautiful stories!

3 of the 10 episodes have aired thus far.  You can watch those you missed at HULU.  Check your ABC line-up to find when upcoming episodes air in your city.  And in the event I haven’t convinced you to watch it yet, do check out this 2 minute clip of Dani interacting with the Love Kitchen Ladies.  Pretty sure that’s what love personified looks like…

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The Short End of the Stick

by Sarah Novak on February 27, 2011

The Foreign Service community is currently abuzz over a potential 16% cut in pay that is proposed for the 2011 Federal budget.  While the Diplomatic lifestyle often gets glamorized, what we often fail to talk about are the hardships that come with living overseas.  Foreign Service Officers(FSOs)/Diplomats place themselves and their families in potential danger for the risk of serving their country, no different than a Military Officer would do.  It is not all fun and games, we just don’t tend to dwell on what we give up or what may or may not happen.  We know the risks we are taking on and do so with pride.  U.S. Diplomats are fiercely passionate about the work they do.  This is not a default government job they ended up in, it’s a calling.

This pay cut (the money was just added in 2010 to EQUALIZE the gap between State and other agencies and would now be taken away) discredits the important work that FSO’s are doing overseas.  It penalizes them for choosing to serve overseas and makes day-to-day living more challenging since spousal employment opportunities are limited at many posts (which forces most families to live on the FSO’s income alone).

In the wake of this decision, many FSO’s around the World are writing to their congresspeople about the realities of serving overseas.  I was particularly moved by Four Globetrotter‘s account of all she’s been through in the last 10 years.  She and her family embody the courage and resilient spirit that I’ve found to be the norm among Foreign Service Families.  I hope you will take a minute to read her story and understand more thoroughly what it is that happens at our Embassies overseas.  It truly is incredible work that I am proud to be associated with.

 

Dear Rep./Senator:

My name is [Four Globetrotters] and I am a State Department Foreign Service Officer in the United States Foreign Service.  I joined the Foreign Service in 2001 and have served in Uganda, Togo, Nigeria and Washington, D.C, and am currently posted in Tunisia. I am also your constituent, and it is in that capacity that I reach out to you now to ask for your help.

I, like all of my colleagues, support efforts to eliminate wasteful and unnecessary spending across all our federal agencies as part of the effort to reduce our national deficit.  I understand why we will not be receiving cost of living adjustments over the next two fiscal years.  However, I am concerned by current legislative proposals that call for reversing a carefully considered bi-partisan plan to modernize the pay system of the Foreign Service that is in the process of being implemented.  I have to assume that it is because our mission and our sacrifices are not sufficiently known to Americans, and even to our own representatives in Congress.  To that end, I would like to share part of my story.

I swore in to the Foreign Service two days after graduating from college summa cum laude with a degree in Political Science.  I passed on a number of other opportunities because I knew, and have always known, that I wanted to be in the Foreign Service.  It was an easy decision for me, after all I was raised in the Foreign Service and followed my parents around the world from the age of three.

I was supposed to fly out to my first post – Kampala, Uganda – the afternoon of September 11, 2001.  On that day, the world changed, and I changed too.  I lost my youthful idealism as I sat on a hill at the National Foreign Affairs Training Center in Arlington, Virginia.  I watched the smoke billow from the Pentagon just a few miles away while my suitcases sat next to me — I had checked out of my hotel early that morning.   I knew then, more than ever, that I had to be overseas.  It was only through changing the hearts and minds of the world that something like this could be prevented from ever happening again.  My colleagues and I embraced this newly defined mission.

Over the course of the past ten years I, like many of my colleagues, have sacrificed, and it is those sacrifices that I would like to share with you.  I missed countless school recitals and parent teacher meetings while doing things like accompanying then-Secretary of Treasury Paul O’Neill to an AIDS orphanage or serving as control officer for a CODEL.  I feared for my daughter’s life as I tried desperately to reach our medical personnel located in another country when she, then one, developed amoebic dysentery and had diapers full of blood.  I held my son when he was three years old and had raging nightmares brought about by the mefloquine that we were required to give him to prevent cerebral malaria.   I spent months separated from my children when I was dispatched to Sudan to assist the mission there.  I celebrated my 30th birthday in Darfur.

I spent my first Christmas in the Foreign Service at the morgue identifying the body of an American citizen who had been killed in a home invasion.  I spent another Christmas in the putrid morgues of a small sub-Saharan African country searching frantically for the wife and two children (ages 4 and 7) of an American citizen who had been aboard an aircraft that crashed upon take off.  I loaded my children onto a plane bound for Sierra Leone –where my parents were stationed — when the situation in Togo, my second post, devolved rapidly after the death of President Eyadema.  We may actually be the only people ever to evacuate family to Sierra Leone.

When a member of Congress and her staff were abandoned during this unrest at a downtown hotel by their Government of Togo hosts, I was the only American besides my then-husband, the Regional Security Officer, who could drive an armored vehicle.  The Ambassador dispatched me, and I drove through barricades and crowds to reach her and her staff and transport them safely to the Embassy.  My husband couldn’t go because he was off responding to a distress call from one of our Embassy families.  Their house was being invaded.

The mother and two children were holed up in the safehaven  while a frenzied group of thugs destroyed their home and personal belongings and worked to break into the safehaven where they were hiding.  All of us at the Embassy listened as the frantic calls for help came in over the radio, the children crying in the background.  My colleague wept as he heard his wife and children, helpless.  My husband knew he had to try and help, even though it would come at great personal danger.  He arrived at the house, unarmed due to a policy that did not permit him to carry his service weapon, and engaged at least two dozen thugs.  Relying on his training as a former marine, he quickly disarmed one person and used that weapon to disperse the remaining looters.  There is no doubt in my mind that had it not been for his intervention, the wife would have been raped or worse, and there is no telling what would have happened to the two children.  I waited, bordering on hysteria, by the radio to hear that my husband was okay and that our three children would not be left without a father.  He rightfully received the State Department’s Heroism Award for his actions on that day.

I, like countless of my colleagues, have defended the United States and had close encounters with those who wanted to do us harm.  I remember vividly the day I, a second-tour junior officer, gazed across the bullet proof consular window at a young Nigerian man who simply wanted to go the United States to “visit”.  I determined he did not meet the standards to qualify for a visa to the United States, and denied him.  His name was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a.k.a the underwear bomber.

Most recently, my children and I returned from Morocco where we were safehavened following the uprising in Tunisia.  During that uprising three of my colleagues — a married couple and a single woman — had their houses looted and both residences are uninhabitable.  They lost thousands of dollars of personal property.  Those losses are not covered by their insurance.   At the height of the revolution, the streets were packed  with rioters, soldiers and tanks.  Every night for a week my children cowered in a corner listening to the shooting going on around us.  There is no 911 over here.  If people had chosen to attack our home we – a single mom with three children – would have been helpless.  Our own armored security vehicles were unable to respond to distress calls.  When I was finally able to drive to the Embassy for our evacuation flight, I was stopped at a military check point and had a rifle pointed at my head by an overly eager young soldier.

The Federal Employees Pay Comparability Act of 1990 was adopted as a way to reduce the government-wide disparity between the public and private sectors and is a basic component of salary for all civilian Federal employees, based on annual survey data collected by the Department of Labor.  As a result of this law, every federal government employee working in the United States received “locality pay” as part of their salary.  Until 2009, the only United States government civilian employees who did not receive this part of their salary were entry-level and mid-level Foreign Service personnel serving their country overseas.  All others, including senior level State Department officers, and other agencies represented overseas, such as CIA officers under State Department cover, DOJ and DHS, have locality pay factored into their base salary.

Locality pay for Foreign Service personnel and other federal employees serving in Washington, D.C. is now approximately 25%.  Under the law prior to 2009, Foreign Service personnel serving abroad sacrificed this part of their salaries and took large pay cuts to their base salaries.  Those posted in Washington earned more money than colleagues posted in Pakistan, Yemen, and Beirut to name a few.  As a result, because retirement packages are based upon base pay (including “locality pay”), Foreign Service officers representing their country abroad received smaller retirement packages than their colleagues who stayed in Washington. This was not sustainable and in 2009 a bi-partisan solution was found to correct this policy problem. Closing the pay gap is not a pay raise — it is a correction of a 17- year-old unintended inequity in the worldwide Foreign Service pay schedule—an inequity that grew every year.

Today thousands of Foreign Service employees serve in hardship assignments around the globe, which now constitute nearly 60% of all posts.  As I write this letter, my colleagues in neighboring Libya, including one colleague who is eight and a half months pregnant, have just evacuated and our Embassy there has been closed.  The number of unaccompanied posts has increased more than fivefold in the decade since I took the Foreign Service Officer’s oath and received my commission.   Our oath is pretty similar to another oath I know you are familiar with:

“I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion, and I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God.”

Assignments overseas are increasingly challenging, difficult and in many instances, dangerous.  There has been strong bipartisan recognition that it is time to invest in diplomacy and development.  Penalizing Foreign Service employees – specifically those of us at the junior and mid-level – whose mission is to serve overseas to advance and protect our national interests by cutting our base pay undervalues the importance of our work, widens the gap between those of us serving in the United States and those of us facing hardships and sacrifices overseas and creates real disincentives to serving on the front lines of American diplomacy and development.

I am proud to be a public servant and honored to be a member of our State Department Foreign Service.  I hope that you will support the Foreign Service and help ensure that we are not penalized for our service overseas.

Sincerely,

Four Globetrotters

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Dearest blog readers – This story is way too heartwarming NOT to pass along.  Allow me to introduce you to Maria Aragon, YouTube’s newest singing sensation.  Her version of Lady Gaga’s Born This Way has racked up over 4 million hits in 3 days!  Not only is she 10 years old and PHENOMENALLY talented, but she also happens to be Filipino! (surprise, surprise)   Have I mentioned that every Filipino is born with an incredible ability to sing and dance???  I want that music gene for my baby!

Happily, the story doesn’t end there.  Maria, who lives in Toronto now, was invited to the local radio station and surprised on air by Lady Gaga herself.  The video is incredibly touching and will probably make you tear up a little.  Pretty hard not to become a Gaga fan after hearing her in this interview!  So do yourself a favor and warm your heart a bit today (especially if you’re in the midst of winter) – it will do you good!  I’ll watch for the video from the Toronto Concert that they reference in the interview and share it with you when it comes across.  Have a fantastic weekend all!

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We are all Naturally Creative, Resourceful and Whole

by Sarah Novak on October 19, 2010

In coaching, one of the fundamental beliefs we hold about our clients is that they are naturally creative, resourceful and whole – meaning that they have the wisdom and ability to create anything they want in their life (and overcome whatever obstacles may stand in the way of getting there).  Never have I seen this more beautifully illustrated than in this video about Abby & Brittany, two conjoined twins from Minnesota.

Even though they have two separate hearts, brains, and lungs, they have learned to function as one.  Each girl only controls one arm and leg, so they must partner continuously to accomplish their daily tasks.  The most incredible part of the video for me was watching them learn to drive!  Do check this out.  It is well worth 5 minute of your day.

It is a fantastic reminder of how resilient and capable we really are as humans!

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